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 Extreme Sports We'd Like to See

 John Pope


For years, thanks to massive overuse by sports marketers and corporate America, the word "extreme" has been slowly losing its meaning. But 1999 was the year that really marked its demise, probably when the X-Games started running commercials for extreme trucks, extreme tacos, and extreme calling cards (yes, extreme calling cards). Clearly, the time has come to up the ante. So in the spirit of the new Millennium, here are some ideas we believe will revitalize the field of extreme sports. ESPN, listen up.

Freestyle Bomb Diffusion
Bomb disarmament has become a staple of every action movie worth a Van Damme, and we think the time has come to bring it to the masses. Extra points awarded for profuse sweating and creative use of the red wire.

Beat-The-Clock Body Piercing
Body piercing's elite face off in high-pressure time trials—the highest number of successful piercings in an hour takes home the medal. Points awarded based on style, originality, and difficulty of chosen body parts.

Sky Knitting
Because sky surfing's for wussies. Give us an athlete who can knit an afghan between the plane and the ground, and we'll then call him extreme.

Office Park Paintball
From the harsh and unforgiving landscape of the modern-day office park, a new breed of cubicle commando will arise.

Wakeboarding tricks are cool and all, but if we really want to see extreme, let's give wakeboarders rods and reels and see how they pull off a 540-arial while angling for grouper. (Length and type of fish caught, if any, will be factored into overall points.)

Hot Grenade!
A high-stakes update of the kids' game "hot potato." Also known as "Where's the pin?" and "Why Johnny can't play with us anymore."

Ninja Billiards
What better way to liven up the dull sport of pool than pairing up trained ninjas who use their cues as martial-arts fighting sticks between shots?

Cliff Luge
Just like street luge, except now, the road ends. Winner is the last one to stop before the edge, or whoever flies off into space.

Ultimate Lava Dodge
Round up your athletes at the top of an active volcano, and get the cameras ready. When that baby blows, you've instantly got yourself a new extreme sport.


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